“If I Had A Retard For A Kid” 2
13 04 2008Some of you may remember a previous post I made called “If I Had a Retard For a Kid” where I talked about the incident that happened with a local restaurant involving a woman who called my son with autism a retard. Well, today we didn’t have the same thing but a similar incident involving an elderly lady.
As many of you who’ve read for a while know, Eli’s been receiving therapy from the Judevine Center for Autism and his parents have been getting trained as well on interaction with him. As part of that therapy we take him to public situations (like restaurants) and we work with him using the Judevine techniques. It’s many times contrary to the way you want to react when a child is acting up at a restaurant but you have to react in a way the autistic mind can understand.
We had another situation today at a local restaurant (again, like in the other story, I’m not going to mention them because it’s not their fault.) Eli began to act up because he did not want to sit in his chair at the table. Amy and I continued to follow Judevine protocols until finally Eli followed directions and sat in his chair. Unfortunately, there was a fair amount of vocal outbursts from Eli in the process but if we stopped in the middle it would run counter to the therapy protocols and Eli would realize that acting in this manner would accomplish avoiding that which he does not want to do…sit in the chair.
After Amy and the kids walked out, I went to explain and apologize to a table near us about Eli’s autism when an elderly lady behind me snapped “you know, other people have problems too. Just take your kid outside.”
I would like to say I handled the situation with the same calm and Christian attitude that I did in the other time something like this happened. However, my nerves were a little frazzled from Eli’s behavior and the energy it took to remain calm and focused during Eli’s outburst so my check didn’t match the balance.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I really wish that when at the moment I was conceiving my child I didn’t say ‘gee, i sure hope this kid has a mental disorder’ so I could mess up your lunch.”
Yeah, I know that did nothing to help autism awareness or even contribute to the discussion in a way that perhaps this lady would be a little more educated on special needs children. It was a mistake and I freely admit it. Sometimes I get really tired of people trying to tell me what to do with Eli when they have no idea what they’re talking about and today this woman just happened to step on my last nerve.
As Amy and I were leaving we talked about the situation (and I was glad it was me instead of Amy who was there because what I said would pale in comparison to what Amy would have said to her. Sure, Amy’s their step-mother (to be in 41 days!) but she defends them like any mother hen would her chicks. We realized that this woman is probably dealing with depression and dissatisfaction with her life (she had obvious health issues) and that her lashing out probably came from that place. We resolved to try in the future when faced with someone like that to just pray for the person on the spot that whatever is causing their inability to have compassion is taken away. That’s going to be really hard sometimes but that’s what a Christian is called to do…learn from our mistakes, accept Christ’s forgiveness and try to do it right the next time.
I’ll be honest…sometimes it’s really hard not to respond in kind when someone starts saying things about your parenting skills when they have no idea that what you’re dealing with is a real mental disorder and not just a kid who didn’t want to sit in a chair.
I was in a local news paper and the online version enables readers to comment as in a blog, many of the comments were quite derogatory and labeled my children as ” defective”. I was horrified as they just function differently people are just to bone headed to learn about what autism is.
You are in a position to help those that don’t understand the condition that it exist. More so then a mental condition I would tell people it is a medical condition since it has been proven in many areas to actually be a condition with limited treatment areas.
You have to remember that the elderly didn’t have autistic problems when they were children. Just like at a time blacks had to live through harassment and live above those that didn’t like their condition(skin color)so must those that suffer from this medical condition.
Tom, actually you are wrong. Autism has been around a very, very long time.
My grandmother actually remembers having a neighbor that had Autism, that was when she was in her teenage years. She’s 81. This woman was no where NEAR 81 years old, if she were 70, I would be very surprised.
Granted, I have a HIGHLY biased opinion on this subject, but here are my thoughts anyway.
People young, old, single married, with or without children…. take note…
If YOU choose to go to a F-A-M-I-L-Y establishment to have your meal, you are likely to run into famlies, of ALL kinds. If you want to eat at that establishment, and you are near a “bothersome family or child” ask your waiter if you can have a table in a different section. Eli doesn’t embarrass me in a resturaunt setting, EVER. If he embarasses you, I appologize, but I’m not going to do something that is detrimental to Eli’s development to make YOUR lunch more comfortable.
Yes, I will pray for you and your temprement on the spot. I will not, however, appologize for a behavior/frustration that Eli cannot help facing because of the Autism.
Instead I will likely look at you after praying and ask you how you would feel if you were five years old and you couldn’t communicate the most basic of needs or wants to the people that love you. In turn, if YOU couldn’t understand the requests or needs of the people YOU love. Try that for a day, then come back and tell me that his squealing bothers you.
We are happy for the sounds and words he says, simply because we know that it could be much worse, he could have been one of those kids that are unable to speak at all, unable to say “I love you” or make limited eye contact. We are lucky, I won’t apologize for your small minded outlook on the miracle of Eli’s tantrums and speech, at least he can DO those things, so many Autistic kids can’t.
Back in the day the rate of autism was 1 out of every 10,000 children if not higher, so it was quite possible not to even see a child afflicted with this problem. It also wasn’t a problem unless you knew someone to have it, it was possible you didn’t know about it. Now the odds are 1 out of every 150 whereas just as recently as 5 years ago it was 1 out of every 166.
Once more however you are in a position to educate people that are unaware of the characteristics of an autistic child. Neither of my kids have autism so I’m not aware of the characteristics of a child with this problem. It does irritate many people while out in a restaurant to see people completely ignoring there unruly children whether they have symptoms of autism or if they don’t.
It doesn’t appear by the article that you just ignore him so people should get over it and if they don’t then tough it was an inconvenient meal out. That being said people are entitled to make whatever comment they see fit, the benefit of “free speech”. You should try to make a comment back that will educate them on their ignorance instead of just portraying them as ignorant.
Many people still don’t know the behavioral aspects of autistic children and it is a benefit of those that deal with it on a daily basis to inform them of the problem.
people need to get off their high horses and sometimes put the shoe on the other foot before making statements which do nothing to educate the public in general, this goes for both sides of the autism issue.
“We realized that this woman is probably dealing with depression and dissatisfaction with her life (she had obvious health issues) and that her lashing out probably came from that place”.
Jason you would’ve slammed me if I made this same type of comment, oh wait I did once before and got hammered for it. One can not assume that a person is dealing with depression or any other challenges(except health)by looking at them. She could’ve been told a family member died last night or a host of other reasons which is why she lashed out at what she thought was lack of discipline. This is one reason why people should keep there private business private and if you do make it public then people are going to question some of what you say and do. Perhaps before saying anything you both should have done a check-up from the neck up.
Once more next time take the opportunity presented to you to educate an individual instead of lashing out at a circumstance that wasn’t understandable. You were in a public place after all and quite possibly this lady was looking for a nice leisure meal without kids screaming or whatever Eli was doing that might have also touched her last nerve.
My oldest was developmentally slow so I can understand the challenges faced by people on both sides of the issue, thankfully we were able to find the help that Michael needed and then home school him so his schooling was tailored to his needs.
You know, Tom, your actions in this thread really make me question your fitness to run for the City Council in Springfield. If you’re the kind of person who likes to go on other people’s blogs and continually make posts to run them down you’re likely not the kind of person that would be good for Springfield. After all, if you do that here, what would you do when you’re on the City Council and can take actions to directly harm people you dislike?
“Jason you would’ve slammed me if I made this same type of comment, oh wait I did once before and got hammered for it. ”
Tom, you were slammed for saying that she was faking a mental illness and that it doesn’t exist. This is an entirely different situation.
Now, you could be right that she had something happen to put her in that mood. That still doesn’t mean she wasn’t depressed or angry and lashed out from that place as Amy & I had felt. And I fully expected some people to be critical of the mistake I made. I’ve never tried to pretend to be perfect or flawless unlike some other bloggers or media folks or elected officials in our community. I posted fully knowing that some people would take issue with it. It was also to show that parents of special needs children are human and sometimes they don’t react in the best manner to these situations.
Now, you may want to pretend you’re perfect and never make mistakes and in so you have the right to come in here and lecture me on behavior. I believe you’re likely doing it because you think the criticism you received for denying mental illness exists was out of line. There’s a world of difference between calling large amounts of Springfield residents liars who say they have a mental illness (and their families who also know their relative has a mental illness) and what happened on Sunday.
You were a lot nicer than I would have been. I would have put her ass in place! My son’s 14 now and I’ve had to put with ignorant people like that all his life. You would think with all the attention on TV that people would stop to think something might be wrong before they jump to conclusions.
All I did was question your assumption that she was depressed and the way it was worded it wasn’t even an assumption. Look at your own quote. “We realize” simply states that you know this lady was as you say she was.
I’m not the one acting perfect on this issue as I believe you should’ve tried to educate this lady instead of insulting her. Yes I know that sometimes is easier said then done.
As for being a council member NO one will ever mistake where I stand and they can call me out on anything they desire, I will not play the game of politics when I open my mouth. Perhaps I may offend some with brashness, but it is time for people to say what they are thinking instead of playing to an issue. If that means I’m unfit for this city then so be it please let it be known that you wouldn’t want someone that speaks the truth as a council member as it makes it much easier to placate to those that say one thing and then do the opposite.
As for denying mental illness even exist I’m not only in that category as many people have written to that regard and many people are saying it as well. Perhaps you just don’t want to hear from people that might disagree with you, there are many people like that you know.
“We realized that this woman is probably dealing with depression and dissatisfaction with her life (she had obvious health issues) and that her lashing out probably came from that place.”
If you used the entire quote, Tom, then you would see that it was not stating we know for sure…but rather we said it was probable. If you manipulate the facts here…as you did by taking a small part of that statement out of context…how do I know you won’t do that on council?
I have no problem with hearing with people who disagree with me. I just ask them to be honest and not try to manipulate situations to paint it how they want it to be.
But anyway…it’s clear we’re not going to agree on this situation in any way other than I could have responded better in the situation so I’ll just wish you a good afternoon, Tom.
Wow, Jason. This breaks my heart for you and your family. There are so many ignorant people in the world. I have had terrible run-ins with people in my lifetime for other things, too, and I just think for a second, man, wouldn’t it be nice to be someone else for a day… but then I remember how special we all are… and that we do have a purpose. Your wife is right. That woman is probably tired of living her boring, hateful life… because that’s what you’d have to be to insult a child. Terrible excuse for a human being, especially an adult who should know better.
I am so sick of parents and caregivers handling autism everyday being reprimanded and patronized by people who are completely out of touch!
Tom, whoever you are, your comments clearly indicate that you are truly, genuinely disconnected from anybody’s reality other than your own. I am not one who will typically denounce a post, but you don’t have a clue about dealing with autism. (or people of color…that was a shallow, mindless, assinine comment).
No, Jason was not wrong to respond the way he did. He was quite polite! Parents who have children with autism tend to feel obligated to explain behaviors that make other people uncomfortable. There isn’t anyone in this frickin world more uncomfortable than the caregivers who are living every single day with the challenges of autism. We don’t have to tell anybody anything short of “take a long walk off a short pier” when our children are being insulted.
No, our children do not deserve to be insulted anymore than your child or anybody else’s children. I agree, when a person decides to go to a public F-A-M-I-L-Y facility of any sort, children are going to be there. Don’t want to be bothered with kids? Then find someplace else to go! If grandma wanted a quiet meal, then she should have went to a quiet restaurant. Here is something else. Whether anybody likes it or not, AUTISM IS A VERY NORMAL PART OF EVERYDAY LIFE. It is not atypical anymore. It is not abnormal anymore. It is everyday. It is real. It is prevalent. It will not go away and we won’t apologize to anybody else for it.
Why don’t you…next time…take a moment to wear a puzzle piece. Why don’t you become a part of the solution instead of a very real part of a stereo-typical problem in society about mental illnesses and autism. Try volunteering. That’ll be a test of true character and willingness to help make other people comfy with autism. Dare to step away from the privilege of your own incubated experience.
No Tom, you don’t offend people with your brashness…you don’t get brownie points for thinking in your own mind that being brash merits applause. It’s your narrow-minded stupidity that’s amazing.
It’s too bad granny isn’t more compassionate. Considering she has one foot on the grave and the other on a banana peel, she’ll be looking for the very grace she couldn’t find in her own heart to lend to a child.
…why does a line to that disco inferno song come to mind: “Burn baby burn”.
Jason and Amy…good job!!! For those who wrote in support of my family…thank you!! Tom….shame on you!!!
Jason, as others have pointed out, we all have problems. We all also have good days and bad days, highs and lows, etc. I know that there are days when I am able to be a good advocate and/or a good therapist and/or a good friend and/or a good driver (you get my point) and there are days when it is all I can do to just get through to bedtime without harming myself or others. It runs the gamut! WHo knows what was going on with that woman in the restaurant - what her perspective may have been, what aches and pains she might have been suffering, losses, frustrations, maybe if she’d been in your situation she would have made different choices, who knows? You’ll never know. And who knows how you would have reacted on a different day - been a better advocate? worded things differently? broken down and cried on the spot? All we can do is just do our best, learn, and try to do our best again another day. We need to forgive and that includes forgiving ourselves too. That’s the only way we’ll have the trength to make it all the way through this life in a constructive and positive (and Christian) way. I am learning to take these things a day at a time, not beat myself up over any mistakes (real or perceived) that I or others make, and allow myself to be human. That means that there are days when I can be a good advocate, educator, etc. and there are days when I am better suited to just “walk away” and pick my battles. It is SOOOOOOOO hard to deal with the “rude grannies” sometimes - but then an angel comes along and shows grace where I didn’t expect it. This is a ramble, I know. Hang in there. Take care and peace to you all! Even to the Toms and Grannies!