Life Of Jason

I was watching an episode of The Fairly Oddparents that was on my DVR (because my kids like them) and it was an episode where Timmy’s mom becomes a local meteorologist and can therefore have magic to control the weather. As I was outside shoveling the lovely white fluffy deposit left on my house and sidewalk and driveway this morning I began to wonder about this storm that rolled in right after a 65 degree day. Then I realized what had happened was not your typical Ozarks weather pattern. No. This was something much more sinister.

I started to run through my mind the television meteorologists and asked myself which of them had the most to gain by using their evil meteorological arts to blow in this March snowstorm. Who among them is trying to establish their credibility in the marketplace more than any other and would therefore have much to gain by accurately predicting this storm? If this man or woman could somehow make people believe he was always on the money when the snow hit then it’s likely they would turn to him when the Ozarks hits the thick of tornado season.

I thought of the KY3 storm team…Hearst…Beck…Snider. None of them really have anything to prove anymore in terms of being skilled in their craft. They’ve been here, they’ve done that, they’ve worn the T-shirt. (Well, I’ve seen Beck in a T-shirt before and it’s rather scary.) I thought of the KOLR 10 crew with Tom Trtan and Ted Keller. Again, veterans who’ve been there and done that. None of those five had any reason to do something like this to the Ozarks just so people would tune in and see them. That’s when my mind also said “or read their blog.”

A blog.

A weather blog.

It was then the picture came into sharp relief. There was one station in town who is establishing a new identity of serving their community. A station that not only was trying to knock off the big boys but was trying a fresh, new, aggressive approach to the news and community service. A station with only one senior meteorologist. It was then I knew who was responsible for all this mess and the hand cramping that came from shoving this crap…

Kevin Lighty of KSPR.

Here’s a man who has to prove to the Ozarks he’s the sharpest tool in the woodshed when it comes to forecasting. He’s the man with the continually updating weather blog to keep you riveted during the hours building up to the storm and then carrying you through on TV as the storm hits. HE brought this snowy nuisance upon us! Kevin Lighty must pay!

So, taking a page from that episode of The Fairly Oddparents, what the town of Dimmsdale did when the weatherman did something they didn’t like was drive them out of town with torches and pitchforks. Since we have a lot of farmers in the Ozarks, it shouldn’t be too hard to find a bunch of pitchforks. We can stop at one of the area party stores and pick up those tiki torches that look so tacky on your neighbor’s deck and use those for our torches. Let’s plan to meet in the parking lot at KSPR around five-ish and we can get Kevin between the 4:30 and 5:30 newscasts.

Now, be prepared for a counter assault from the KSPR staff. They’re a tight knit group over there. Christine will be out there like Wonder Woman but a lasso of truth isn’t going to stop the truth of our mission. Whitney Scott is like Supergirl could likely take out a few dozen of us before she’s subdued. Joe’s kind of like Aquaman in my vision of this so as long as it’s not raining he won’t be much of a threat. Since Josh DeBerge is like Robin to Kevin’s Batman, we don’t have to worry too much about him either.

So grab your torches and pitchforks and let’s show this Kevin Lighty what we think of him dumping all this snow upon us when we’re ready for spring! Onward to victory!

And also, in case you don’t the city of Springfield’s statute on clearing sidewalks after a big snowfall…

Sec. 98-74. Cleaning sidewalks.

All persons are hereby required to take reasonable measures under the

circumstances, excluding physical repairs, to keep the sidewalk in front of,

or adjacent to, the property or premises owned or occupied by them or under

their control, within the city, clear and free of hazards so as not to

endanger or inconvenience pedestrians using such sidewalks.

(G.O. No. 5226, § 1, 10-7-2002)

Secs. 98-75–98-90. Reserved.