Life Of Jason

Yesterday my fiancee and I were out with our children and my autistic son Elijah began to act up.  It’s a common thing with autistic children to make noises or to get a little hard to control.  It’s not that they’re that much different than other children in that sense but since they don’t have the same cognitive abilities as other children or adequate communication skills it’s hard to know what’s wrong with them or how to get through to them to get them to calm down.  If you are someone who is unfamiliar with children who have special needs, you’ll likely just think that someone is a bad parent or doesn’t know how to control their children.  Instead of showing some grace or courtesy to those parents, you’ll likely throw scorn in their direction.

Now, you’re probably saying “I’d never do that.”  If you truly would not, then I say God bless you.  However, speaking from experience, I know that it’s more often the exception rather than the rule.  If I’ve had a dime for the number of times I’ve had to deal with people looking at us or making derogatory comments because of Elijah having an outburst I’d be able to buy the Springfield Cardinals.  In almost all of the cases, when the people find out my son is autistic they’ll apologize or they’ll at least be accommodating to our situation.   (They probably think to  themselves they’re happy they don’t have to deal with it.)  However, there are some times that the people who discover the child has a special need not only don’t care but continue to speak insults and derogatory statements.  It’s enough that when the parent of a special needs child faces someone making a negative comment you instantly go on the defensive for your child and really have to fight to not lash out at the person for their comments.

As an example, I want tor relay something to you that happened to my family about a year ago.   My parents had come to Missouri from Pennsylvania for their first visit in over four years.  It was the first time they had been able to meet Elijah in person and we had a great week together.  Dale and Eli loved spending time with Grandma and “Papa Jim” and we did every enjoyable thing that Dale suggested we do.  Dad and I were even able to go play a round of golf and even though I’d practiced over the years and had really improved my game the wily old man still beat me.  (My dad would always tell me that the difference was that I wanted to win…he HAD to win.)   It was a great week…that ended really awkwardly.

We decided to go to Outback Steakhouse for our last dinner.  We waited outside for about half an hour for a table which is standard for Outback on a Saturday night.  When we were seated, we played our drink orders and dinner orders within ten minutes of each other.  Then we waited.  And waited.   Our drinks finally showed up at our table over twenty minutes after we ordered.  After almost an hour we still hadn’t received our meals.  (When we did get them, they were cold…but that’s not the shocking part of the story.)

After about forty-five minutes Eli was really acting up because he was hungry.  He wasn’t really doing anything that children ordinarily don’t do when they’re hungry but he wouldn’t stop talking and making noises.  We had him coloring, we had him playing games and we did all we could to keep him as quiet as possible.  My father went to the tables around us and apologized and explained that Eli was autistic.  The response from most of the tables was fairly positive and understanding.  The trouble began when my father sat down at the table and started talking to my mother.

The table beside us…the one behind my back…had a family sitting there.   It was a man and woman and two children.  The teenage daughter walked in wearing an iPod and didn’t take it off during the entire meal.  The teenage son was sitting there just staring forward not talking.  The woman did most of the talking to the husband.  I thought it was kind of odd the family didn’t talk during their meal to each other but I was more concerned with keeping Eli quiet and happy.  As my father was sitting back in our booth, the woman said to the man across from her:

“If I had a retard for a kid I’d never let it out of the house.”

I’m glad my dad didn’t hear it because he would have come over the table at that woman.  As the situation was, it took everything within me to not make a scene.  My first instinct was to turn around and rip into this woman but I thank God He’s really worked on me in that area!  I just instead kissed Eli on the forehead and tried to keep him as quiet as possible.  Some food finally showed up and we gave to Eli just to keep him happy.

You would think this would be the end of the story but there was more.  A few minutes after her initial comment, the waiter handling the table of this family came over and asked if everything was OK.

“Except for the retard at the next table bothering us things are fine,” the woman said to him.

“I’m sorry you have to deal with that,” the waiter said.  “Can I do anything to fix that for you?”

The woman said no but the point was she had gotten a second shot in on my child.  I gave the waiter the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t really hear what she said and just made the reaction he always made if someone complains about something.  (It was instant on his part so I really believe the kid didn’t have time to process it.)  I was livid but I thought we’d just eat our meals and get out of there.  Even though I knew it wasn’t Outback’s fault the woman was so rude I had fully intended never to go back again.  (The fact the food was cold and the service incredibly slow were factors as well.)

Now, let me digress for a second to tell you what happened when I sent an e-mail to Outback about this situation.  Within half an hour of sending that e-mail, a vice president for Outback corporation e-mailed me with an apology and gave me his personal cell phone number.  They were just as offended as I was at the actions of the woman and we even spent the entire phone call talking without even mentioning the poor service I had received that night.  The district manager called me and Angela, the local franchise owner, called as well.   Angela asked me to come back and to bring the boys with me.  She said that if I was in the restaurant and had someone say something else similar to me or Elijah that I was to tell the manager and they would remove that person from their business.  She said they didn’t need that person’s business bad enough to let them degrade a child like Eli.  They were professional and they were also human in their response.  I am a fan of Outback Steakhouse (although they’re not cheap so I don’t eat there much!)

Anyway, sorry for the digression but I wanted to give positive props to Outback for their response!

The point is that the parents of special needs children hear these kinds of statements all the time.  We see the snide looks from people when we’re walking at the zoo.  Also, for every business that knows how to deal with special needs children like the Discovery Center (who have been brilliant with my son) you have other restaurants and businesses that either don’t know how to handle special needs children or don’t want to deal with them.  It can make an already difficult situation even more difficult.

So please, when you see someone out with children (or many times in my case, a single parent with two children) fight your first instinct when a child is acting up.  It could be someone with a special needs child who is doing the best they can with the circumstances they have been facing.

And by the way, on a side note, Elijah has been treated with all natural medications and no toxic drugs.  This means insurance covers none of it.  His medication alone is over $6,000 a year and there’s no Michael Moore in the background wanting to tell the story of autistic children’s families.  If you’d like to see more of the struggles families all over the Ozarks face each day, visit Autism Speaks.   Also, I’d ask you to please consider walking with us or making a donation for Walk Now For Autism in Springfield Saturday September 8th.  My personal web page for that is available by clicking here.  (Also, if you are a media member and you would be gracious enough to provide some coverage for the Walk, please contact me and I’ll help you all I can help.)